Who are we?

“Ex-tian” is our shorthand way of saying that we are no longer Christian, or ex-Christian. We are not backsliders. Saying that we are is like saying that we will be back someday. While it may be true and certainly some of us have returned to Christianity, every one of us has experienced a deeper truth than that of our former faith.

It cannot also be said that we were never Christian. Each one of us has been members of the Christian faith, most of us devoutly and fundamentally. By every definition of the sect to which we held our faith we were members. Each one of us repented. Each one of us was baptized. Each one of us declared the truth of Christ’s teachings. We prayed, fasted and sought guidance from the bible. Many of us ”carried forth the word of god as a torch in the darkness”. Asserting that we were never Christian is an indictment of all members past, present and future.

Deconversion
How does one become ex-tian? We call the process deconversion. It’s a process of healing. We think that there are basically four stages and it begins with questions that are unsatisfactorily answered. Most Christians have a kind of cognitive dissonance that buffers their perception of truth. If a question arises that cannot be answered then the answer is that “only God knows.” Many times there are other catalysts working as well, such as being a social outcast.

Leaving the Church
The next stage is the hardest and many ex-tians have a difficult time with it. It is leaving the fold. It’s hard because there is a certain amount of security with the familiar sights and sounds of the faith. May be the person who is questioning their faith can’t leave because their family goes to church every Sunday. Maybe it’s the social status they enjoy. Make no mistake; the person who begins this stage is ex-tian regardless of whether or not they’ve made a physical departure.

Pain
After departing the fold, the ex-tian typically feels betrayed and hurt. Loneliness and depression is not uncommon. Reason will not allow the ex-tian to return to the church. Many ex-tians start searching for answers to questions like “why didn’t I feel the same as others in the congregation?”, “Am I going to hell?”, “What will my family think?”
Further we wonder how to fill the voids that leaving Christianity created. What do you do during the holidays? If I don't believe, should I still celebrate Christmas and Easter? Can I live a moral life? How do I deal with life and death now?

Other questions regard family and acquaintances. Should I come out as a nonbeliever? What happens if I do? Should my parents or siblings be told? What about other Christians? How do I deal with those who are trying to reconvert me?

These are the issues we explore on the ex-tian list serve. The Ex-tian list was created as a way for ex-tians to reach out and support each other. We don't have all the answers. Some of us have found other religions, many of us have none. What you choose to do is left to you, but we can help answer the myriad questions that you may have. The great thing is that you can join at any stage of your deconversion with complete anonymity if you so choose. The goal is…

Healing
This last stage is the one that stays with you. We live in a society that is predominately Christian. Fear is the tactic used to keep the sheep in the fold so you’ll never escape the clutches of doubt. Even after 3 years the author of this document still sometimes worries, but you’ve developed tools to help you… and that’s what the ex-tian list is all about.